6月19日

Therapy cant help most men by Badwoman
amazing read again. it is hard to cope with that fact though. when you love someone as a woman, is hard to get out of the loop of remaining hopeful for change. we are far too kind.

this is the kind of energy im having for today.

6月18日

my back hurts so much and my boyfriend forgot our 6 month anyversary yesterday. . . . . . . . . . . . . . save me

unrelated picture

6月17日

i forgot to log my clock out and have to make my boss sign a paper so that i dont get any money discounted from my pay. scary..

article of the day is men´s weaponized bad moods by bad woman. really good read and a topic that i believe every woman on earth can relate to. growing up in this kind of environment caused me to have extreme anxiety and to overtime profoundly estrange myself from my family, specifically, from my father. having to bear such amount of emotional pressure throughout key developmental timeframes of my life made me the worst version of myself. i try to get out of this constant reaction to cater to a male aggressor feelings every time in that sort of situation but the instinct is so fundamentally ingrained to myself that it feels almost impossible to not have a physical reaction to it. my heart rate grows faster, my hands become shaky. i dread confrontation physically, but psychologically, i have every intention to fight back. i believe that if im consistent, i can slowly get out of that terrible cycle. but the way it has damaged me feels like it will be long lasting.

the damage men have done to women is unmeasurable.

in no way i believe this is justifiable, but the deep rage i bear with makes me want to harm men that i see everywhere. i have this deep need for vengeance and violence towards men. i cant help it. it goes beyond an intrusive thoughts, entering into some sort of premeditated plan for violence and harassment. it has come to points where it arouses some sort of sadistic pleasure for me. it is harmful, i suppress it. im no man, after all. but i keep this present with me. the fact that i think this way. it wont do me any good.

i believe that my preferences for dominating, feminizing, constraining and punishing men comes from the deep resentment i feel towards men as well as my need for power over them. theres this intense gratification i get from thinking about harming them and having an imbalance in power where i am above and my needs are final. i like the thought of them being literally at my feet. it all seems fetishy, but combining that with the real harmful misandrist thoughts i have, makes me believe that it might be relevant to consider that a big part of that like is not just a sexual fetish but a harmful need for power. ( Im NOT implying that femdom/bdsm is harmful. just wanted to make sure to say that because i dont believe that bdsm comes from violent intentions at all. im solely speaking from my own self-analysis knowing myself the most.)

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6月16日

this is my first blog entry. i actually dont have much to say... im currently at work writing this and working on my website since there isnt much i can help with around just yet. i should be trying and doing courses on sql and practicing more python but i havent been this fixated on my website since 2024 so i think i will just keep working on it as much as i can until i get tired again. browsing thru neocities i get so many ideas for things to add but i overall would rather keeping my sites clean. i dont really enjoy overloaded websites unless the color palette is consistent throughout all the website. otherwise it just looks ugly. i also hate the culture of putting so many stamps and blinkies. i dont think it looks good at all. but thats personal preference.

as time goes on i will try to make this area better but since i only have an entry and god knows when will be the next time i write here, i will just keeping as simple as possible. for the time being, my to-do list consists of:

• entries organized per year & month
• a more clean look, having to click on each date to check the blog
• perhaps find more creative ways to present my blogs to make them interesting because people really dont read your blogs, lets be honest...

thats the current idea. im excited to post here actually.